"Unjerking" Your Clientele and to Make Your Business Stress-Free

By Tom "Bald Dog" Varjan, Organisational Provocateur

Here is a timely topic right at the beginning of the year. Quite often the biggest progress we can make in business is when we remove the obstacles we have got used to over the years. We are already doing great, but some fiendish obstacles slow us down. Today we discuss how to remove one of these nasty obstacles.

At some point in our lives we all accepted projects with clients who seemed to be quite nice at the beginning but then turned out to be clicking time bombs.
Typically what happens is that we try to pick up the slack and take on more and more to keep the client happy. But certain clients just cannot be kept happy.

A few years ago I worked with a company and after three months the client's monthly sales went up by 27%. Next time I showed up with a bottle of champagne and suggested a celebratory glass after our session. The client looked at me and said: "Never mind that. You still have a lot of work to do before celebrating anything." Shortly after this the client went off for a two-week vacation and then for another one, having left me with a message, "I expect you to get these done by the time I return".

At one point he even mentioned that he would like me to get rid of all my clients and dedicate full-time effort to his project because he had less and less time to participate in the project. He started regarding me as his subordinate, just because he paid me. My mistake was that I waited a bit too long before walking away.

So, every now and then we have all come across asylum escapees from some of the most pestilential pits of hell, and the sooner we can recognise these SOBs (Seriously Obnoxious Buyer), the less damage they can cause to our workflow, cashflow and sanity.

So for a start, you have to define what "Nightmare client" means to you. So, here I just give you some "Nightmare client" traits to get your brain started. Use it as a template and based on it develop you own "Nightmare client".

Some Warning signs of "Nightmare clients and prospects"

1. They want to keep you under their thumbs - They believe since they write your cheques, by hierarchy they are your bosses and you are their subordinates. That reminds me of a caricature sketch in a magazine: The elderly tells one of the residents in the lunatic asylum: "Put down that toy sword and get off that rocking horse, Napoleon. It's time to go to bed." Make sure your buyer doesn't go Napoleon on you, and don't give in any kind of hierarchical structure.

You are peers, and if buyers don't like it they can either take a running jump at the nearest freight train or go to the river and drown themselves (Yes, I am listening to the Gun's 1969 album Gunsight, track 3: Go down to the river and drown yourself. Inspiration is coming out of the woodwork). Some clients expect you to dedicate your whole life to them and demand your full attention 24/7. They fail to realise that you have several clients but only 24 hours a day.

Besides, who the cricket wants to work 24 hours a day. Especially men need lots of micromanaging. For example. Many women heard this from their spouses, "Honey where are my socks?", "Which shirt shall I put on today?" Interestingly, most women know where their knickers and bras are without asking their spouses and they know which shirt to put on. Just a thought on micromanaging. Watch out with male clients.

2. They keep moving the project's goalposts - This can happen especially if you work on fixed fees. They try to squeeze into the project's scope as much as humanly possible. They have no respect for what changes you have to make in your schedule to accommodate them. Their mantra is: "Since we pay you anyway an obscene amount, why don't you clean the toilet as well?" Make sure you have the scope of the project on paper and keep to it.

3. They put you down for every little mistake - These people don't accept the fact that you are not a magician. They simply cannot fathom the basic fact, that when we are aiming at a change of some kind and some significance, we simply can't get it right the first time. Nobody does. They expect perfect performance and what is even worse, they blame it 100% on you.

We know from Ed Schein (Process consultation) that some 95% of consulting projects fail because clients don't act on the advice they have just paid for, yet a large chunk of this 95% blame the lack of result on their consultants. Can you imagine an athlete coming second in a race and blaming the coach: "You failed to train me to win. I demand my money back". Any sensible coach would get on the phone to the nearest lunatic asylum requesting the immediate collection of the athlete.

4. They advise you how to conduct your business - Instead of working with you to improve their own situation, which they hired you for in the first place, they gradually become your - unwanted - consultant: "Your website is really primitive", "You should really rent an impressive office" or "You should really be available to clients 24/7". You may have to be pretty assertive with these people and tell them that you run your business the way you see fit, and they should redirect their energy to the project. Of course, at this point some of them may decide to offend themselves (I believe only you can offend yourself, nobody else).

5. They treat the project as a "backburner issue" in their lives - The project is not regarded as top priority. Here you just have to remind them that the project is getting closer and closer to the projected completion, but unless they pull their acts together, the project will expire without completion, and you are only willing to extend the project for extra investment.

The next step may be, that you ask them to sign a document which declares that the project has fallen behind because they don't keep up with the timeline. This document acts like a bucket of icy water. On presenting this, some clients recover, some get extremely angry and may even demand your head on a silver platter. At this point some wimps may say that the client is always right, and good luck to them.

I see it differently. As a result of their righteousness, clients created various problems, and hired us to help them solve those problems. In my experience, every business problem is a personal problem first, that is habits and behaviours. And this is why we do clients a great service when we chuck a bucket of proverbial icy water into their faces. Sometimes you may even have to wallop them a bit with the bucket over the head to make them see things from a different perspective.

6. They treat you as a commodity and have little respect for your unique expertise - This is the contractor syndrome. They regard you as a contractor (outsourced labourer, situational elbow grease, etc.) to perform activities they have neither time nor inclination for. This is where so many consultants turn into "fish-catching", and "teaching how to fish" goes down the drain. Again, you have to be assertive and remind clients that they hired your brainpower not your brawn power. In case you do too much fish catching, make 2005 your first teaching-how-to-fish year. You will see that great clients get better value and you can expect higher fees, while reducing your workload. And here is one thing to consider. Imagine that you go to your accountant to discuss some tax strategies on your real estate investments and then asking your accountant to go to the tax office, queue up to get the appropriate tax forms and then bring them to your home because you are too busy and hate standing in queues? Because this is what so many consultants do on a regular basis.

7. They put too much emphasis on references and testimonials - They don't care what they can achieve with your support and guidance but blindly focus on what you have achieved with others. They fail to realise or simply deny the fact that in each equation you are the constant and the client is the variable, and, using basic maths, the outcome is the function of the variable, not the constant.

A relationship with an advisor not only intellectual but also highly emotional. Just like a marriage. Let me ask you this: Did you marry or start dating your spouse because references and testimonials from previous boyfriends and girlfriends said "She is amazing in bed" or "He is brilliant at fixing cars, TVs and lawnmowers". 80% of a relationship with a professional is visceral, thus cannot be put into a testimonial, but this is what the success of the project stands or falls.

And the other 20% (the intellectual stuff) is just a small contributor. However, this only applies to truly collaborative relationships. For a moment parenting comes to mind. You don't have to be a child psychologist (the 20% intellectual stuff) do bring up great kids. As long as you offer the visceral stuff, like love (in a professional sense), care, challenge, guidance, protection, high expectation, openness, etc. (just like in a consulting gig), you are on the right track.

8. They repeatedly violate your time by calling you at socially unacceptable times - My clients have unlimited access to me, and since, instead of a balanced life, I live a seamlessly blended one, they can call me anytime. But when a client repeatedly calls me at 11PM and gets outraged because I didn't pick up the phone (because I am asleep), that is a bit of a problem. I believe in giving clients unlimited access to you, provided your fees are high enough to justify this level of access, but I don't believe in being on call for clients. When I happen to be awake I answer that 11PM call (advantages of the blended lifestyle), but also tell clients not to expect me to sit by the phone at 11PM. There must be some ground rules here, so create some for yourself.

9. They keep reminding you how generously they "overpay" you - They keep repeating that they could get greater value for lower fees. They keep telling you they are with you just as a favour and expect you to lower your fees if you want to keep them in the long term.

10. They expect you to offer favourable payment terms or chase them for payments – Well, you are not supposed to pay the role of the bank. If they need a loan to pay for what you can bring to their tables, then they should take a loan through the proper channels, that is, banks.

11. They keep threatening you with legal action unless you dance to the beat of their drum - Quite often (hey, almost always) we work with companies significantly larger than our own firms. And sometimes these companies sharpen their legal claws to make us do things that are not part of the agreement. No doubt, they can be intimidating. What I have found is that saying that "I plan to publicise my experiences" can take care of the situation. You basically don't say anything nasty. You just present the facts. As I have found out from a friend in Germany, If you mention that you plan to keep the press posted on the issue, the client goes quiet. Sometimes I feel like using some skills I learnt in the military, but then I realise that it wouldn't go down well, so I find other options.

12. They frequently miss, cancel or reschedule your meetings - Again, we are talking about diminishing commitment.

13. They expect you to pick up their slack - Some clients take vacations in the middle of projects, resulting in a similar email or phone message: "I am on vacation in the next two weeks, and this is what I want you to do by the time I return". The funny thing is that when you indicate that you go on vacation for two weeks, these same people get outraged and demand their money back. I believe that consulting is not about doing things for people but helping them to do it for themselves. All in all, they have to do the work under your care, protection and guidance. A nutritionist can give you advice on weightloss, can help you to create a weightloss plan and can coach you to execute the plan, but clients can't expect the nutritionist to go on a diet and then pass weightloss to clients. Clients must implement their plans under the care, protection and guidance of their advisors.

14. They expect you to go the "extra mile", but they are not willing to make "extra investment" for it - It has become expected of businesspeople - except taxi drivers - to go the extra mile. How silly is that. Imagine you fly from Toronto to London, and as a good measure of going the extra mile, the plane turns around over London and drops you off to Frankfurt. How happy would you be, considering that you wanted to go to London? What is the extra mile in professional services? Hey, we are talking about doling out intellectual property. How do you go the extra mile on that?

How can a funeral director offer the proverbial equivalent of the baker's dozen? "I can cremate your dead father now, and for good service let's wallop your mother over the head and we can cremate her too at the same time for no extra investment." People also talk about buying little gifts for clients and sending birthday cards. I disagree here. Instead of sending gifts, I prefer to spend my time and money to sharpen my skills, which in turn I can offer to my clients as new value. What is more valuable for a client?

A life-sized chocolate Santa for Christmas or a process that helps the client to reduce proposal-writing time by 50%. The way I see it, Santa eventually exits the body, but the process will stay with the client, saving her money and time forever. Simply educate your clients about your practices in case they expect chocolate Santas. Please remain a professional in your own trade and don't try to become Santa to your clients.

15. They are your friends and relatives - This can be a very slippery slope, landing you in very nasty situations. Let's face it, most people don't put much value on anything unless they can scratch the window with it. You can't do that with intellectual property. Many people buy expensive cars but absolutely refuse to invest some extra dollars to take advanced driving courses.

They refuse to pay $15 for a private tutor for their kids, but happily pay four times of that amount to their hairdressers. I think this is where we can learn from lawyers. They are good at framing the problem and if you want the answer, then you get the typical, "Here is my card. Call my office for an appointment." They just refuse to dole out life-changing advice over the family dinner-table.

16. Refuse to answer tough questions - Just as gynaecologists ask their clients to lie down and spread their legs for diagnosis, you too have to ask tough questions to establish whether or not there is a mutually beneficial basis for working together with your prospect. Prospects must understand that to achieve something worthwhile is neither comfortable nor convenient (and definitely not cheap), and they must be ready for participating.

The sooner you start firing the "tough diagnostic questions", the sooner you find out whether the prospect says or goes. Hey, dentists ask you to open your mouth after a casual "Hello". Remember, you are a consultant not a rapport-builder contractor. S/he is there to point out what you haven't seen and solve problems.

17. They are in a rush - They have no patience to discuss various options for next steps. They tend to say, "That sounds good. Do it for me." Remember, consulting is supposed to be a collaborative relationship, not a "do it for me" gig. You and the client do everything jointly. There is no such thing as "Hey hotshot, do it for me".

18. They are busy digging for guarantees on results - This only shows that have no confidence in themselves and are looking for a scapegoat just in case something goes wrong. I do believe in offering a fair guarantee (guaranteeing results is unethical) as part of the gig, but when a prospect makes a buying decision based on a guarantee, that is a warning sign for me.

Yes, guarantees can be enticing but trying to make prospects decide for you just because you offer a guarantee can land you in deep trouble. Consulting is not like a weightloss pill, which if you take according to the recommendation (which most people are utterly incapable of), you lose weight. The consultant's advice must be acted upon, and that is the client's job, which most clients miserably fail at. You don't have to take on the client's sloth.

19. They compliantly nod and agree with you on everything - Be afraid, very afraid of the of quiet clients. They stay silent for a while, letting you fly alone without any feedback, but when they finally open their mouths, it can shatter your eardrums. These clients let you work on various things, like plans and processes, but then when you pass these plans to them for approval, you have a long time to wait. And when the deadline arrives, they call you out of the blue and demand why the project is not completed yet. Most of these clients expect you to do everything while they sit back and relax.

20. Hesitates to sign agreement - They try to convince you to play on a handshake, knowing that later they can play a bit of scope creep with you and you have no legs to stand on. Make sure everything is in writing, so you both become accountable to the same document what you sign at the beginning.

21. Are looking for the cheapest provider - These people are not interested in quality. They buy anything as long as it is cheap. Keep away from these buyers. Ideally your disqualification process should eliminate them even before you personally come into the equation of lead conversion.

22. They are overly transaction-focused - They want you to come in, do the job and clear out. The funny thing is that these demands come from some type A people, who are some of the greatest underachievers in life. Yes, they achieve great things in certain areas in life, but look at the price they pay? And they want it the first time around. No errors, no mistakes are tolerated (apart from the many they make - see any research on type A people, and how they stumble from mistake to mistake very efficiently and very blindly).

I think the word efficient was invented for them: Running very fast often in the wrong direction. I have recently worked with a hardcore type A CEO of an IT firm on some health and fitness issues. I showed her the research report according to which, type A people's average life span is some 15 years shorter than average folk's. First she shrugged it off, saying "Oh well, that's me".

After about twenty minutes of chatting about her small grandkids, she was more than ready to change her lifestyle. For these people projects are about financial gain only, and even if you help them to save a bundle of time and money, they won't respect you because you didn't actually make any money for them.

23. They insist on paying you on completion - The problem here is that they can drag out the completion date as long as they want to. Has it ever happened to you that you finished the project according to the agreement, passed it on for final approval, but the approval didn't happen because the buyer was too busy doing something completely different? And who pays the price? Yes, you. Make sure you get your full payment before completion.

24. They suffer from various personality disorders - Some may be slightly paranoid, blaming you for everything, including the Second World War, the fall of communism (sigh of relief) and the Holocaust. Some are neurotic, blaming themselves for everything, often to such degree that you cannot reason with them. They use phrases like: "This is too much for me", "I can't keep up with this", etc. They keep putting themselves down and consequently act out the shortcomings they have just brought on themselves. For instance: "I've told you I'm not a techie", and formats the hard drive to prove the point, losing all data. We all have abilities to coach clients through some humps and bumps, but we shouldn't try to deal with people who need psychiatric treatment. Most of us are not licensed for that.

25. They try to isolate you from the economic buyer - This often happens when you work with implementing teams whose leaders want to take control over you. They know that if they can keep you away from the buyer, then they - the team leaders - can present progress to buyers in any which way they see fit, softening their own accountabilities. So, often, instead of presenting the state of the project objectively, they present it in a way that is most suitable for them, knowing that you are out of the picture. Make sure you stay in touch with the buyer throughout the project and even afterwards. Also make sure that you too provide a summary to buyers.

26. They promise you lots of work later if you give them discounts now - Except that is hardly ever happens. And even if it happens. Imagine you go to Air Canada's ticket office saying, "Hey, can you give me a really cheap ticket to London, and if I like the service, I will use it every year?" You can't even get such a commodity as plane tickets, let alone consulting services. Besides, once you get written up in the buyer's history book as an economical (alright, cheap) alternative, you will never be able to charge premium fees. And besides that you will never be perceived as a peer, but rather a pitiful peddler hungry for a bit of handout. Even worse, you will never be considered for projects of premium importance. You will get called in to fix crashed hard drives, but somebody else will be called in to re-design and re-build the company's network.

27. They want to pay you a percentage of increased sales - This is swell. Imagine you go to your mortgage lender and say, "If the house is as good as you say, then give me the house for free, then I rent out the basement and pay you a percentage of the rent I collect every month". Can you visualise the amazement on the face of your mortgage dude/dudette? Sadly many consultants try to lure in clients by offering guaranteed results (consulting is collaborative and you cannot guarantee other people's action). Therefore I believe it is a mistake to accept percentages.

One service I provide quite often is to design lead generation and sales automation systems for professional firms (from first contact to first cheque without any human interaction. Some call it cold, but I call it time- and cost-effective), so the sales process is almost eliminated, and prospects come to the first meeting either with a cheque or already pre-paid. Some firms love chasing prospects all over hell's half acre, but some prefer to be sought out in a competitive vacuum.

It reduces prospecting time almost to zero because it is fully automated (Hey, what is the web for?), and being an engineer by trade, it is natural for me to design systems and processes that produce predictable results with minimum human interaction. Yet, it is still up to them to convert those - although high quality - leads into paying clients, but there are not many businesses have prospects come to them to a pre-paid firms meeting. So, I cannot guarantee increased sales. The desired improvement is something we create together.

So, what can you do to prevent yourself from being pestered by inappropriate prospects? Well, the best you can do is to create a very rigorous and as automated as possible self-disqualification process for prospects. Look you don't have to start a relationship with a personal meeting that eats up two hours of your time. Make sure you come into the equation only after the prospect has made a conditional commitment to hire you. If your target is small businesses, this rule applies about a gazillion times over. You have to make sure that your fee doesn't become funding for a vacation or a new car and the client comes back to you "I can't afford it now".

If you can automate the whole discovery / disqualification process, several great things happen. You consistently get clients with the attributes. Hey, the form they have to fill in is objective to everyone. You also drastically reduce the time you spend with people before they make a commitment to hiring you.